I was involved in a situation recently where I observed a woman being verbally abused by another woman in a professional setting. I know these women well enough, especially the abusive one, long enough to know this is not the first time this happened, and it’s probably not the last. They are stuck in a pattern where the abusive woman is completely blind to the effects of her behavior, while the other woman is blind to the fact that by not putting a stop to it right away, she has effectively given permission to the abuser to do it time and again. The daughter of the abused woman was kind enough to speak with me about the situation when I flagged what was happening as inappropriate and as verbal abuse. We discussed ideas on how to help situation. Her daughter was willing to confront the abuser on her mother’s behalf, which made me realize something… it’s not about someone confronting the abuser, or even the abuser leaving or changing. It is about the victim becoming empowered and changing their pattern, because if they don’t change it, then they are just leaving space and giving permission for the next abuser to come into their life and just hurt them all over again.
Over the years of dealing with verbal abuse I found that a feeling of empowerment can make a huge difference in my situation. Although moving away from my dad has been an important step in my healing (a VERY important step!!!), that in and of itself did not stop his abuse. It was my standing up to him that helped ME feel empowered.. it helped ME change, and not only did it stop him from abusing me so much, but it also keeps me safe from others who are stuck in those same sick patterns. It just helped me no longer be a puzzle piece that fits the abusive piece of those with those tendencies.
It does take two to tango, doesn’t it? So although the abuser has their issues, I realized that I as a victim also have mine, and it is important to address them because the world won’t stop hurting me unless I stop giving it permission to.
One place where I am learning about this is with a recovery group called Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). Although the group has the word Alcoholics in it, it’s not limited to people who grew up in households where alcohol was present. It applies to all families who had any sort of dysfunction like verbal abuse, narcissism, perfectionism, overly critical parents, other substance abuse issues, under-earning, and so on.