A friend just sent me this prayer after our conversation about my abuse:
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake , unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
In my opinion this smells of patriarchy to me… my serenity comes when I just let dad batter me? I do trust that we are all guided by divine grace, but sometimes that guidance means putting my foot down. Charlotte Kasl, in her groundbreaking book “Many Roads, One Journey Moving Beyond 12 Steps” describes how the traditional 12 step models for recovery are based on the original books for Alcoholics Anonymous. Those books were actually written by narcissistic white males, for narcissistic white males. And the books for AlAnon, the group for the wives of those narcissistic men, was also written by such men for their wives. So it was in their best interest that their wives just accept their mental precepts and not upset the apple cart.
When I first read Charlotte’s book, I didn’t get it, but now I’m seeing it so clearly. I live in a patriarchal society, belong to a patriarchal church that doesn’t even allow women to be a part of their leadership. I read history books written by men about men that are self-serving of their viewpoints of the one-up mentality of power… meaning that in order for them to feel powerful, they have to take power away from somewhere else. This mindset is not in alignment with my own approach of mutual empowerment. So no, I cannot allow my dad to keep abusing me just so that he can feel like he’s “ok.” He’s got to find another source of that okayness as his abusive behavior is now identified and no longer acceptable.
How do I as a woman live in my truth, in a society run by a lie?